


There Is No Guide To Losing Your Soul

by krissyxlove



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Illnesses, M/M, Sudden Death, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 02:43:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19966732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krissyxlove/pseuds/krissyxlove
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this.





	There Is No Guide To Losing Your Soul

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Phil was only throwing up a bit after they got home and he felt a little dizzy. Sure, he fell over and didn't remember it but he remembered important things such as his name and birthdate. That has to count for something, right? He was talking, he was laughing...how did it end up like this?

_"Did I just watch my partner die?"_

Dan feels sick to his stomach as he remembers shouting these words at the nurse who pulled him out of the room. He wasn't shouting in anger, he was screaming in horror. The look on the nurses face as she pulled Dan into an embrace is burned into his mind. She probably sees this every day but in that moment that look of utter sadness was directed at Dan. That look brings a promise of only bad news. She knows the worst is happening...Dan is living a worst case scenario.

Dan lifts a cup of water to his lips and takes a long sip as if it had something with an alcohol content in it. He wishes it did this way maybe, just maybe, he could stop thinking about this night and stop focusing on all those fucking monitors that are going haywire. They said Phil was stable, they said Dan could go back and see him soon, so why has it been nearly an hour with no words and for fucks sake can someone make those fucking alarms stop sounding.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. When Dan went to the back Phil was talking. He was laughing to one of the nurses and just acting like a slightly lethargic version of himself. He was shivering because he was cold and he looked more pale than usual, but he was laughing. He even stuck his tongue between his teeth and lit up the room when Dan walked in.

"Oh and this is my partner, Dan!"

Phil had said it with such pride in his tone. In that moment Dan felt so full of admiration for his partner, his boyfriend, his soulmate, but then everything began to crash down in front of his eyes.

"Dan, can you ask the nurse for some water my mouth is so dry. Also, thank you for bringing me here apparently I have a bad case of pneumonia and left untreated it would have only ended badly."

Phil had said it with a little bit of a slur, but Dan easily chalked it up to exhaustion. Oh how he wishes that were the case now. Dan was about to get up and grab some water when the nurse came in to get some more blood work.

"Alright Mr. Lester this needle will only hurt for a moment. Look at your lover to forget the pain." The nurse said winking over in Dan's direction.

Dan gave his loaf-type smile in return and returned his gaze to Phil.

"Hi," Phil said with an endearing smile. It's the same one Dan fell for all those years ago. It was just so Phil.

"Hi," Dan said in return with a giggle as if he were a school girl talking to a senpai.

"Mr. Lester I'm going to have to ask you to please not make any sudden movements, I have a needle in you."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Phil replied. "Can I just turn over for a moment I feel a little uncomfortable like this."

The nurse nodded as Phil adjusted himself. Dan was relieved with how easily everything seemed to be going. Phil would probably only be here a few days max getting treatment and soon they would be off to their next adventure. Dan looked down at his phone at the time deciding if he should get Phil's personal belongings now, or later. He was caught up in the future that he lost grip of the present...on what was going on in front of him.

"Mr. Lester? Phil?" The nurse had a look of horror on her face as she began flashing a light in the direction of Phil's eyes. A second nurse then appeared asking what was going on.

"I can't be too sure, he just..."

Then the alarms began to sound. Dan looked up at the monitor and it read 70/40 those numbers were not there a moment ago. The nurse then turned Phil onto his back and he was blue. Oh God, he was blue. Dan frantically looked up at the nurse for answers before looking back at Phil's chest to see no movement. Panic and bile began to stir in Dan's abdomen. Phil wasn't breathing. Fuck, he wasn't breathing. Then the compressions started and Dan knew that was not good. He didn't get to see anymore however as a nurse pulled Dan out of the room and into the employee break room he was now sitting in.

What is Dan even supposed to be thinking about? Is he supposed to be praying to some higher power? Fuck. He doesn't even know because it's not like there is any guide for this. Phil was fine earlier. They were literally running errands all day and just living their life as always. Things just fell apart when they got home and Phil started to vomit. He played it off as food poisoning and Dan will admit he was concerned almost immediately, but Phil assured him that he was fine so Dan was inclined to believe the hypochondriac that is Phil Lester. When Phil stood up and fell Dan literally offered to call a cab to take them to hospital, but Phil refused. If Dan had forced him anyway in that moment would this have happened? Fuck. Now is not the time to dwell. There are more pressing matters at hand like what if Phil doesn't make it? Hot tears prick at the corners of Dan's eyes again at the thought and he viciously rubs at them until the skin around his eyes feels raw. He will not cry because crying means he is already mourning someone who is still alive...or so he hopes.

Dan almost wishes he could stay in this unknown limbo forever. Sure he doesn't know how Phil is doing right now, but he isn't declared dead yet. He isn't dead and if no one tells Dan, he will never be dead.

A familiar face then comes into the room. Dan recognized this man from the room Phil was in. He was the Doctor so that must mean he is here to seal Dan's fate.  
The Doctor sits down with a solemn look on his face and lets a heavy sigh out. "I'm afraid I don't have good news."

Dan never knew one sentence could shatter his whole world. He almost wanted to get up and run away so he didn't have to hear the rest of whatever this Doctor had to say. Phil is not dead. Phil can not be dead. This was never the plan and they still had so many of them. There was no way Dan's entire world was crashing down on this random fucking day.  
Even though Dan didn't fucking ask, the Doctor still continued. "We tried everything and for a moment we had him back but his body just couldn't keep up. He was responding well to one medication but then he just looked over at me and that was the last time we were able to revive him. I am so sorry for your loss. We can take you to his room whenever you are ready."

Dan wanted to scoff. Of course he will never be ready to see Phil. How the fuck is he supposed to look at the corpse of his entire world? He doesn't want to look. If he doesn't look, it isn't real.

"I'm going home," Dan says with not even a single ounce of emotion.

He then leaves before anyone can even stop him.

-

Dan should have known leaving the hospital wouldn't have worked. Of course Phil is still dead and there is nothing he can do about it and now nothing feels real without proper closure because he hasn't even seen the body yet. The funeral director is going on about something or another how this process works. They decided on cremation. Dan isn't even sure that is what Phil wanted but they never even had the thought to discuss it, but it felt right. Plus, Kath suggested it this way he could go up north with his family and also remain in London with Dan as well. Not that they would have fought over where to bury him, this is just more convenient for everyone.

Ugh, convenience. There is absolutely nothing convenient about death. Dan is a mess but he is at least trying to keep it together for Phil's family. He can't even fathom that Kath and Nigel as well as Martyn are going through. Phil was their child, a brother, a constant in their life. But dammit, Phil was Dan's world.

**Was.**

That word tastes so bitter on Dan's tongue that it makes him want to spew. _Was._ How dare the word _was_ be synonymous with Phil.

"Dan, does all that sound alright with you?" Kath's gentle voice broke through Dan's internal breakdown.

"Yeah," Dan breathed out. He had no idea what he just agreed to, but he was sure it was fine. He trusted Kath in this moment because he knows he would never be able to make these choices himself. It may be a dick move, but he wants nothing to do with this funeral or the planning of it. To be honest, he doesn't even want to go but he will...for Phil.

-

The funeral came sooner than expected. Dan thought he would have more time to process this past week but it crept up on him and hit him like a freight train. This wasn't right. Dan should not be in a funeral home at this age mourning the loss of someone who should have been his life partner. Heck, Phil still is his life partner because there will only be room for one Phil in his life.

Dan is sitting on a chair outside of the wake area dressed in a suit and tie. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel real. Dan knows he is going to have to see the body at some point, but he isn't ready. In fact, he may never be ready.

Kath comes out with Nigel and Martyn wailing with broken sobs over the loss of 'her baby'. Those tears and cries will haunt him forever and they instantly break his heart because that means this is real.

"Dan?" The funeral director is looking at him and he assumes he is waiting for Dan to stand up to privately view the body before the service.

Dan wants to run away and just leave this place and never look back, but by some work of magic he is moving towards the closed door of the wake.

Nothing in this world could have prepared Dan for this moment. He instantly falls to his knees and clutches at his chest as sobs spill out before he has barely entered the room. He is there. He is dead. This is reality. The truth fucking hurts when it is cold and lifeless laying in a casket mere metres away from you.

Somehow, Dan gets up to move in closer. Morbid curiosity will make you do strange things including looking at the love of your life minus the life.

"Phil-" Dan doesn't even recognize the voice he chokes out. It sounds so...lost.

He reaches out to stroke Phil's cheek but quickly snatches his hand back as he touches ice-cold flesh. That is not the warm familiar touch he's learned to love over the years...that touch is now dead.

"Why?"

Dan has no idea who he is even asking at this point but he wants answers. Why did this happen? Why is he here? Why does he have to go the rest of his life without his literal other half. Phil literally saved his life so why wasn't Dan able to save his? He begins to scrub at his eyes in frustration again before storming out of the room and straight into the washroom.

Looking at his reflection is hard. He's been negating his own stare all week now because he is scared of who he will see...what he has become.  
He looks up to meet his own gaze and sighs when he sees sadness. Of course he looks sad, but he also looks helpless...lost. He is lost, lost without his soul. He looks tired and just empty. There is nothing there and that is just so accurate.

"Dan?"

Kath's sweet voice creeps into the room. It's obvious she's calling out to him from a crack in the door and for that he is grateful because he doesn't want her to see him like this.  
"Yeah?" He calls back hoping he doesn't sound as shattered as he is.

"The service is starting soon, love." Of course she is trying to sound soothing and comforting to Dan like she wasn't just in hysterics moments ago.  
Dan says nothing in return but hears the door gently close once again. He doesn't even look himself in the eye again as he runs some water through his messy, greasy locks before heading back out.

People have already started to arrive meaning he has to go into that damned room again with the lifeless corpse that dares to call itself Philip Lester. Dan takes a deep breath and literally breezes past everyone so that he can claim a seat all the way in the back of the room. There is no way he is standing up front with Phil's family, even if he was his family.  
As the room fills up with people Dan just begins to feel even more alone.

_Alone._

That word burns every fibre of his being and rips apart his entire soul. It feels like his entire world was just burned to the ground and everyone is just gawking. Maybe that is because the one person he actually loved was taken from him and the world is still moving on. Funny how they always say 'life moves on' while Dan's feels like it is at a stand still and he is now just an outsider looking in.

Everyone expects him to be cheerful and share stories about all the good times, but how can he? The reason he was so happy, the reason he was able to push through anything and make others happy as well was because...well, because he had Phil. Imagine seeing everyone mourning by sharing every good memory they have meanwhile he has to go and sit back in -their- home as those memories now eat him alive. Now everyone who will reach out and try and empathize will get a beastly and bitter reply in return because if Dan is being honest, he has no idea who he is without Phil anymore.

Can anyone else even relate? Can anyone here even truly say they know what this is like? Dan hears them all talking about how Phil is "in a better place" whilst he is sat here living through hell on earth.

"Smile Dan, he would want you to," Someone dared to say.

Dan scoffs before getting up and walking straight out of the room. Yeah sure, he could smile but there would be no emotion behind it. Whenever Dan would smile Phil would always return it.

-

After pacing for a while outside in the fresh breeze Dan knew he had to go back in because he had some last things to say. Not for everyone in there, not even for himself, but for Phil. This needed to be his closure.

Dan got up to the stand and took a deep breath in. He has spoken in front of thousands of people before but this room was a different crowd all here for a different reason. Dan knew he had to do this. He had to put this to rest and he had to Phil to rest. These would be his parting words because he never got that chance. He is sending a message out into the universe where Phil now resides.

_“Thank you and sorry._

_Those were Phil's last verbal words. The thank you was directed at me and the sorry was directed to the nurse who was drawing his blood because he moved his hand. You see, he never wanted to inconvenience anyone, not even during his final moments._

_I would like to take a moment to direct those words back at Phil._

_Thank you Phil for teaching me how to never take life seriously. Without you, I would never be able to laugh as much as I do and I would never be able to find new reasons to smile everyday. I can now take any situation and shine a light on it because of you._

_Thank you for teaching me how to put my heart into everything. Whenever you did anything you put everything you have into it, especially when it came to your YouTube channel and taking care of your family. I remember I would watch you edit or film and how hard you worked on everything you did. You did it because you knew how much it meant to people...how much it once even meant to me. You always got completely lost in your own world, but I was so lucky to be a part of it. Of course, when it came to taking care of your family you always put them....us....first. You treated us so well. I already know you were also proud of every single thing I did because you never shut up about it and that is so you.  
On the topic of being proud, thank you for showing me how to be proud of myself and my accomplishments. Without you, I would never be able to look back at what I have done and know that I did so well. You always encouraged me every step of the way and never let me down. Even the most mundane things never went without recognition because you would never let me feel disappointment in myself._

_Most importantly, thank you for teaching me how to love myself. Even when I hated myself, you loved me enough for the both of us and because of that, I am here to celebrate you today._

_Now it is time for the apologies. I am not sorry for much, but there are things to be sorry for._

_I am sorry to any future child I adopt because I still have those dreams. It may not be the future I planned on, but it is a future I still want. They will never know your kindness or the impact of your world face to face but they will know it by word of mouth._

_I am sorry to anyone who didn't get to say goodbye. Due to your untimely death I am sure there are plenty of people who had so much to say, but I know if they speak to you that you will hear them._

_And finally, I am sorry to anyone in this world who never got the chance to meet you. Whether it be a fan of yours or anyone in general who will never get the chance to say they knew Phil Lester. It is truly a great loss indeed._

_You see, even though I am sorry, I have so many more reasons to be thankful and that should be a lesson to you all. Life is too short for regrets so live your life the way Phil would want you to which is to lead a life without fear._

_Thank you for everything Phil. For the journey you brought me on and the world we created together...I love you."_

No tears. Dan doesn't know how he did it, but he did. Phil would be proud of him and he is proud of himself. Just because Phil isn't there with him that doesn't mean he isn't forever engraved into his heart. Phil is still out there, somewhere. He is either a particle in space now or an omniscient being somewhere out of this world. Wherever Phil is, Dan hopes he is happy because one day he will be there too.

**Author's Note:**

> so, this fic is based off of true events in my life. I basically re-wrote my dad's death and what I went through and re-worked it so I could work it into a fic. I did it for therapeutic reasons and honestly...it did help.


End file.
